Unlike Germans, who are famed for their subtle and well-developed sense of humour, Cypriot traffic police officers generally display few signs of impending hilarity.
A little while ago I was on my way from Larnaca to Paphos on the island’s west coast to meet a new client for an initial assessment of his needs.
The journey takes about an hour and a half and on this occasion I might have been just a teensey-weensey bit on the late side.
Since speed was of the essence (Well you don’t want to blow your first face-to-face meeting with a new client, do you?) I decided to wait for an opportunity to ’shadow’ a passing bigwig.
The theory is simple:
Wait for a large vehicle such as a 4×4 or MPV to race past you, then follow it closely, but not too closely.
Should some inconsiderate traffic policeman (and yes, before you say anything, in 16 months over here I have yet to see a policewoman*) have set up a speed trap, the large and usually expensive vehicle in front of you will brake sharply and bear the full force of the police’s wrath whilst providing a human shield, so to speak, for you to slow down behind without attracting attention.
*This is not strictly speaking true. There is at least one police-tealady in the canteen at Larnaca police station, although I’m not 100% sure she would qualify as a policewoman.
Be this as it may…
On this occasion there was no human shield forthcoming until I was well past Limassol, by which time I had more need for speed than an Olympic sprinter on ExLax; so when a brand spanking new Mercedes Limo cruised past me doing altogether too many miles per hour, I promptly planted myself behind it and settled into a steady pace.
Little did I realise that said Limo’s driver had obviously found his (or her) driving licence in a box of corn flakes, since after a couple of miles they changed lanes suddenly and without any obvious reason, just in time for both of us to be caught by a speed-trap cunningly concealed behind a large roadside shrub*.
*Cyprus Traffic Police have no sense of shame either and will often camouflage themselves to catch innocent motorists. Then again; with crime rates in the Republic being as low as they are, I suppose there’s nothing better to do.
Seconds later I found myself in the breakdown lane, a couple of yards behind my ‘human shield’ with the long arm of the law striding purposefully towards us.
To make matters worse, the officer paled visibly as soon as the limo’s window was lowered, apologised profusely and waved the driver on hurriedly.
I can only assume the car in front (which contrary to the old adverts was not a Toyota) contained a government minister, celebrity or possibly the local chief of police.
Needless to say that when this defender of the Republic’s roads then turned towards me, he was looking both extremely embarassed and angry.
Speed Trap Nightmare Scenario!
It has to be said at this point in time that I have sadly neglected my study of the Greek language since my arrival in Cyprus, thus leaving myself vulnerable to verbal attack by angry, embarassed officers of the law.
So after a short and somewhat ear-splitting tirade of what I can only assume represented the more ’ripe’ aspects of Greek vocabulary I responded in the only way I could think of; loud, slow German.
“Was wollen Sie von mir? Können Sie mir bitte den weg zum Bahnhof zeigen?“
This had a totally unexpected effect; it stopped my attacker dead in his oral tracks and left him looking rather baffled.
With hindsight, I think that at this point he was probably ready for just about anything except a Kraut asking him for directions to the train station (I am profoundly grateful he didn’t speak German).
What had started as a promising haul with two drivers at once was obviously turning into a ‘once in a career’ headache.
After conceding a few words of broken English I was informed (amongst much repeating and misunderstanding) that I was traveling at a speed somewhat in excess of local limits and should be more aware of my speed in future.
Eventually, after enduring a stare which calculated the amount of paperwork and awkward questions shooting me would cause, I was very firmly told not to do it again and to be on my way.
As I was pulling away, the officer seemed no less angry than he had been at the start of our encounter.
He did however seem less embarassed at this stage, looking as I recall, rather confused by what had just happened.
In conclusion, I would like to say a couple of things in all fairness.
- I was horrendously late for my appointment that day, much more so than if I had stuck to the speed limit.
- My heart sincerely goes out to the next person stopped by that particular speed-trap.
Food for thought?
There is a lesson in here somewhere…
