The “Led-Met 3000 Feline-Lite”®, with “Dual Mind-Shield”® Technology

The tinfoil hat has long been the defense of choice when it comes to keeping out harmful government mind-control signals.

However, a recent MIT study established that tinfoil hats actually amplify frequency bands which happen to coincide with those allocated to the United States government between 1.2 G/Hz and 1.4 G/Hz. According to the FCC, these frequencies are reserved for ”radio location” (such as GPS), and other communications with satellites.

This discovery, which sent waves of panic through the tinfoil manufacturing and conspiracy theorist worlds, has in turn prompted many less mentally stable extremely reputable scientists to devote extensive time and resources to the development of an alternative cranial adornment, able to keep out even the most persistent of government signals.

Additionally, the commonly held belief that all cats are spies, either for the government or an extraterrestrial invasion force [opinions are still divided on this matter], has led to parallel R&D being carried out on a feline version.

Whilst a viable human model is still some way in the future, the research here at ‘IceGiant Laboratories‘® has now resulted in a piece of feline head wear which boasts the ability to not only interrupt communications between the cat and its shady masters, but also to dampen its natural telepathic abilities which can influence its owner and detect the opening of a can of cat food at up to three miles distance.

The Adam Lasnik Bucket Hat Changed My Life!

As a techie and writer I was caught in a rut; my life and career going nowhere fast.

It’s funny how even the thankless task of saving the world from technological disaster on a daily basis can become a tedious drag after a while and so, stuck doing the same thing day in day out, I was yearning for a new experience; a way to find fortune, fame and preferably my own island in the Caribbean. 

Then, one day last week, I spotted an advert at ‘Honest JLH’s Designer Emporium‘ for the ‘Adam Lasnik Bucket Hat‘; an item of headwear which, although I could not foresee it at the time, was to change my life forever.

Tales of the Complament

No, this is not a badly spelled post about flattering others. A Complament is the outcry of sheer misery and frustration when your customer phones you because his computer has fallen over for the Nth time due to a suspected PICNIC* error which you have as yet failed to track down.

*PICNIC = ‘Problem In Chair, Not In Computer’ – a.k.a. an ID-10T error or PEBCAK (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard)

Anyway, as is usually the case, the user was wearing a sheepish expression and pleading complete innocence to any and all wrongdoing where the machine was concerned, despite the fact that, to paraphrase Monty Python, it had:

‘…kicked the bucket, shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibule!! THIS WAS AN EX-COMPUTER!!’.

Torpedos, Cats & Wireless Networks

It all sounded simple enough:
“Could you come to the International Conference Centre in Nicosia and cover the 2007 FIFE cat show for the Pan-Cyprian Cat Club’s forthcoming web site?”
“Certainly; I’ll need an internet connection though.”
“Oh that’s no problem; the conference centre is fully wireless.”

How many times has someone uttered the words ‘no problem’ to you and you’ve just known that there’s trouble on the horizon?

As those of you who have been to Cyprus will most likely know, the island only gets about forty days of rain each year, and most of these happen between the end of November and the end of February.

Today is one of those rainy days…
Ok, so you may be asking yourself around about now just how exactly we got from a cat show in Nicosia to a weather report.

The point I’m so laboriously working towards is that Cypriot drivers are not used to wet roads; a little bit of moisture on the asphalt and drivers get cautious, a heavy rainfall with soaked roads and their behaviour becomes downright panicky (sort of like the UK if someone spots a snowflake).

Buzzwords, Fads & Web Promotion

“The road to successful web promotion is littered with the corpses of buzzwords from years gone by.”
F. B. Guntherson – Jan 2007

You have to admit that few industries are as prone to attack by buzzwords, fads and the occasional Americanism as web promotion (well… anything related to the internet really).
At the moment, flavours of the month include ‘Web 2.0‘, ‘Authority Sites‘, ‘Ajax‘ and my all-time personal favourite ‘SEO‘.
There are others of course; but if I were to try and list them all, I would still be writing this post next month.

It seems that, like alcohol and tobacco, buzzwords are addictive and, worse still, they are also highly infectious.

How many times have you heard the term Web 2.0 thrown into a conversation* without the speaker having any clear idea of what it actually means?
Actually; what the hell is Web 2.0?
Did Timothy Berners-Lee** suddenly invent another internet while no one was looking?

As buzzwords go, the term Web 2.0 is an absolute corker, since it conjures up the image of an entirely new stage in the internet’s architecture, when it is in fact merely an approach to building web sites which finally takes advantage of the fact that most users now have high-speed internet connections.
Ok, so new technologies are involved to a certain degree, but there is nothing much here which couldn’t have been done a few years ago, except that in those days you would have waited about six hours for the video of ’That guy falling off the trampoline‘ or the ‘Groovy New Web-App‘ to finish loading.

‘Ah but…’ I hear you cry, ‘What about the fact that Web 2.0 is so much more community orientated?’
Collaborative online communities are hardly a new invention.
In fact, I still remember the launch of Alphaworld back in 1995 (I’m showing my age now), so in that respect Web 2.0 is very much a case of it being the same old thing wearing a new pair of trainers and sporting the latest hair style.

*Assuming of course that you’re nerdy enough to hang around where this sort of thing is being discussed.
**At this stage you may well ask who this Berners-Lee character is, and if you do, I’m not going to tell you.
Look him up on Wikipedia if you’re interested.

Damn! I was talking about web promotion, wasn’t I?

But anyway… What about Authority Sites then?
These days we are told that we must build Authority Sites if we are to stand any chance of success in the search engine wars.
Yet surely if it had not been for the continuing interference from spamshiners infesting search engine listings with anything from Viagra to Gambling and Black Hat SEOs gaining high search rankings of questionable relevance, any site out there would be an ‘Authority Site’ to a greater or lesser degree?

Surely nobody in their right mind would launch a commercial web site which made them look like a complete idiot?
Well… but moving swiftly on.

Next we have a delicious recipe, easily prepared from common ingredients:
Take some XML, add CSS, sprinkle with JavaScript to taste and give it a stir.
‘Mmmmmm… I’m lovin’ it!‘

Wait… We need to give it a name.
Mc WebApp? XM-ava? Jav-ml? How about Java-X?

No, of course not… Let’s name it after a household cleaner*.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ‘Ajax‘.
Note: Wherever you find an Ajax, there is usually a Web 2.0 lurking nearby. The two are practically inseparable.

*Or for those of you with a background in mythology, the ancient Greek hero from Homer’s** Iliad.
**No, not Homer Simpson.

This was going to be a really quick post about buzzwords, fads & web promotion which has turned into a bit of an epic, if not an outright Geek Tragedy. 

And so, last but by no means least, we come to SEO (Search Engine Optimisation).

‘Ah! That fairest of web promotion maidens wafting the sweet perfume of search engine success in the direction of eager online business owners.’

Like an experienced stripper teasing her audience with tantalising glimpses of what is to come before shedding each layer of clothing with deliberate slowness, she draws in her admirers, prompting each member of her audience to leave as many bank notes as possible in her custody before the show ends.

Unfortunately for many SEO customers, the show is over all too soon, the drinks are overpriced and the stripper isn’t much to look at once she gets her kit off.

Don’t get me wrong.
I have nothing against ethical SEO companies working to genuinely improve their client’s search engine rankings and achieving long-term results.
My problem is with the fly-by-night SEO crowd which employs a fast-talking sales force and plays on prospective customer’s fears, paranoias and ignorance before absconding with a load of their cash without delivering any results whatsoever and giving the rest of the industry a lousy reputation in the process.

When I first became entangled in the computer industry (well before the launch of Alphaworld), the internet was a meeting ground for geeks, nerds and scientists. Later, as the internet began its evolution into the buzzword-laden global mass-marketing leviathan it is today, we used to call it ‘web promotion’ or even ‘website promotion’.

Then, during the course of 1999, some clever American bugger (there is still an argument about which one) coined the phrase ‘Search Engine Otimization’ and the rest, as they say, is Home Economics.

Still… In spite of my lengthy rant about buzzwords and Americanisms, there is a ray of light upon the internet horizon.
If current trends persist, there may just be a movement on the web leading back to the ‘old values’ (he says laughingly) of providing visitors with the information they are looking for instead of simply spamming them onto a web site in the vain hope that, although they were actually looking for a new lawnmower blade, they could do with some Viagra after all.

Food for thought?
Let’s hope that ‘Authority Site’ turns out to be more than another buzzword.

The Kraut, The Bigwig and the Speed-Trap

Unlike Germans, who are famed for their subtle and well-developed sense of humour, Cypriot traffic police officers generally display few signs of impending hilarity.

A little while ago I was on my way from Larnaca to Paphos on the island’s west coast to meet a new client for an initial assessment of his needs.
The journey takes about an hour and a half and on this occasion I might have been just a teensey-weensey bit on the late side.

Since speed was of the essence (Well you don’t want to blow your first face-to-face meeting with a new client, do you?) I decided to wait for an opportunity to ’shadow’ a passing bigwig.

The theory is simple:
Wait for a large vehicle such as a 4×4 or MPV to race past you, then follow it closely, but not too closely.
Should some inconsiderate traffic policeman (and yes, before you say anything, in 16 months over here I have yet to see a policewoman*) have set up a speed trap, the large and usually expensive vehicle in front of you will brake sharply and bear the full force of the police’s wrath whilst providing a human shield, so to speak, for you to slow down behind without attracting attention.

*This is not strictly speaking true. There is at least one police-tealady in the canteen at Larnaca police station, although I’m not 100% sure she would qualify as a policewoman.

Be this as it may…
On this occasion there was no human shield forthcoming until I was well past Limassol, by which time I had more need for speed than an Olympic sprinter on ExLax; so when a brand spanking new Mercedes Limo cruised past me doing altogether too many miles per hour, I promptly planted myself behind it and settled into a steady pace.

Little did I realise that said Limo’s driver had obviously found his (or her) driving licence in a box of corn flakes, since after a couple of miles they changed lanes suddenly and without any obvious reason, just in time for both of us to be caught by a speed-trap cunningly concealed behind a large roadside shrub*.

*Cyprus Traffic Police have no sense of shame either and will often camouflage themselves to catch innocent motorists. Then again; with crime rates in the Republic being as low as they are, I suppose there’s nothing better to do.

Seconds later I found myself in the breakdown lane, a couple of yards behind my ‘human shield’ with the long arm of the law striding purposefully towards us.

To make matters worse, the officer paled visibly as soon as the limo’s window was lowered, apologised profusely and waved the driver on hurriedly.
I can only assume the car in front (which contrary to the old adverts was not a Toyota) contained a government minister, celebrity or possibly the local chief of police.

Needless to say that when this defender of the Republic’s roads then turned towards me, he was looking both extremely embarassed and angry.
Speed Trap Nightmare Scenario!

It has to be said at this point in time that I have sadly neglected my study of the Greek language since my arrival in Cyprus, thus leaving myself vulnerable to verbal attack by angry, embarassed officers of the law.
So after a short and somewhat ear-splitting tirade of what I can only assume represented the more ’ripe’ aspects of Greek vocabulary I responded in the only way I could think of; loud, slow German.

“Was wollen Sie von mir? Können Sie mir bitte den weg zum Bahnhof zeigen?“

This had a totally unexpected effect; it stopped my attacker dead in his oral tracks and left him looking rather baffled.
With hindsight, I think that at this point he was probably ready for just about anything except a Kraut asking him for directions to the train station (I am profoundly grateful he didn’t speak German).

What had started as a promising haul with two drivers at once was obviously turning into a ‘once in a career’ headache.
After conceding a few words of broken English I was informed (amongst much repeating and misunderstanding) that I was traveling at a speed somewhat in excess of local limits and should be more aware of my speed in future.

Eventually, after enduring a stare which calculated the amount of paperwork and awkward questions shooting me would cause, I was very firmly told not to do it again and to be on my way.
As I was pulling away, the officer seemed no less angry than he had been at the start of our encounter.
He did however seem less embarassed at this stage, looking as I recall, rather confused by what had just happened.

In conclusion, I would like to say a couple of things in all fairness.

1. I was horrendously late for my appointment that day, much more so than if I had stuck to the speed limit.
2. My heart sincerely goes out to the next person stopped by that particular speed-trap.

Food for thought?
There is a lesson in here somewhere…

Domain Name Comedy – The Joy of Sex?

I was talking to an old friend/colleague in the UK the other night when the topic of comedy domain names reared its head.

The fact is that by design or error, there are more than a few domains out there, jam-packed with the juicy goodness of innuendo or outright misunderstanding.
In most cases, the sites belonging to these domains are ’serious’ enterprises, as is the case with Cumbria Storage Systems Ltd in the United Kingdom; a company which represents itself online with the name cumstore.co.uk.

Ok, I admit that this is hardly an original topic, but it makes for a cheap laugh nonetheless.

Most of us have heard of the Sex Change domains (oddsexchange.com, veteransexchange.com, kidsexchange.com, etc.) or the rapist finder (sorry, I meant to say therapistfinder.com of course), but alas, the rot runs much deeper than that.

After having a bit of a look around, I’ve put together an initial top 3 of comedy domain names.
If anyone finds other, even more unfortunate domains, I’d love to hear about it.
Nothing gets a cheap laugh quicker than an innuendo or a reference to sex organs (powergenitalia.com; see?).

• Mole Station, a 2000+ hectare sheep and cattle property in Tenterfield, New South Wales is also home to a nursery specialising in the cultivation and sale of native Australian plants.
  So far so good.
  It’s at Mole Station and it’s a Nursery, so what better name to call it than molestationnursery.com?
  Maybe in light of the recent global paedophile exposures (no pun intended), they could have thought about it before buying that particular domain.
• Unsurprisingly, site number two is an American offering, although on reflection, I am not entirely certain they didn’t do it on purpose to take advantage of the publicity the name generates.
  In any case, this company which manufactures customised pens for businesses around the United States, trades under the name Pen Island (You can see what’s coming a mile off, can’t you? [once again no pun intended]), so when they needed a web site, the obvious name was chosen; penisland.net.
• And finally…
  You want MP3s?
  You want Hits?
  mp3shits.com
  There’s not really a busting lot which can be said about that.

Whilst nothing feels quite the same as having a cheap laugh at someone else’s expense, I cannot help but wonder if the sites I’ve listed haven’t benefited from their kooky names.
As they say: “All publicity is good publicity.”

Then again, although the molestation domain name is still active, the official URL has now been changed to molerivernursery.com, so maybe someone finally noticed.

Food for thought?
I rather doubt it.